Sunday, September 06, 2009
When a lover leaves: how do I overcome the pain of separation?
Have you loved and had the devastating experience of your beloved leaving you? Have you felt the pain? Does any other pain come nearer to it?
Yes, the pain of losing someone by death may come near to that. But even that is not comparable. By death, you lose your sweetheart forever and know that she/he is no longer in this world. But if they leave you, you experience the shock that is unsurpassed.
You know that your beloved is in this world itself, but you have no strength to find out where? You have no strength to meet and find out the reason for the betrayal. You get so numbed with the shock, that you can take no more pain. So you are left to live with that pain yourself. And that life is nothing but death at every moment.
When I cry for my beloved, the tears that I shed are more precious than heavenly pearls, says the poet in me. Yes, one cries, and one finds no one to share that cry. If you talk to people around you about the break down you are facing, they will probably call you a fool for grieving.
After sometime, you stop talking to anyone about your pain. That keeps the pain inside you. That kills you slowly, but surely.
Can one overcome this? Very difficult.
The very fact that you fell in love that submerged you tells about your personality. Such personalities that give themselves totally away, find it very difficult to bear the loss of love. Snatch a child away from the mother and measure the pain of the mother, you will find out what I am talking about.
Why does the mother grieve so much? Because she carried the child in her womb for nine months, she cared for the child after birth, she kept awake for her child for endless nights and she dreamt for her child at all the times. The child was an extension of her own personality. The loss therefore becomes unbearable.
In the same way, those who love deeply, love their beloved like their own child. They care for the beloved like their own extension. Their love and their beloved become an essential part of their personality.
Therefore, when that love walks out, the grief is immense and the loss immeasurable. What is to be done?
No one can say about this. It all depends on the personality.If that person can somehow continue working towards a useful goal, while keeping the pain all the time inside the heart, life can be carried on for sometime. But ultimately that pain of separation will engulf the person.
I talk with many women who don't understand what brought their relationships to the point of needing therapy.
After all, 'they don't ever argue with their husbands'. Well, of course that sends a huge, waving, red flag up. If you NEVER disagree, you probably aren't being honest or worse - not saying anything.
It's a poison for you and your partner because usually when you've reached the point of silence - or shutting down - and just not wanting to deal with your partner on any type of meaningful communicative way...you're in big trouble and could be headed for a break-up or separation.
You know that your relationship is suffering from silence when you haven't debated with your partner about anything in the past few months - in fact, you haven't had an interesting conversation about anything that is important to either of you in the past few months or weeks.
You have disconnected. And either you or he initiated the silence in an effort to stop having to deal with judgments, criticisms, and other negative conversation killers.
When there is healthy debate or even heated arguing in a relationship, that means that both people are trying to get their voices heard. They are trying to get their points across.
They are trying convince their partners of something or convince themselves. Any way you slice it - opinions are out on the table and both of you know where the other stands. With silence, no one knows where the other stands. There is a lot of guessing and assuming, because no one is being heard. And we all know where that can lead.
Relationship silence is easy to cure. Just start talking. The biggest hurdle is for someone to take the first step. The second is to begin to understand why you both shut down to begin with.
What was the last big argument you had? And what was said? And if the silence has gotten beyond the point of anyone taking that first leap of faith - you may need an impartial person such as a mediator, religious leader, or therapist to help you through it.
Quick Tip: If you are afraid to talk to your partner because of what his reaction may be - ask yourself "what am I afraid of?" What would the worst case scenario be if I demanded to be heard? Do I trust my partner not to judge me, berate me, or leave me if I speak up?
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