Tuesday, December 05, 2006


The Parachute Club


And interesting conversation between Robby and Melody…

ROBBY: Well, that was the Parachute Club, and that's the topic of our audio tonight on whether you should stay or go in your relationships. Those who we advise to leave their relationship, we sort of have them go into the Parachute Club. Sometimes many people are forced into the Parachute Club; they're thrown out of their relationship and they need a parachute. So that's why we thought it would be fun to play that in the beginning.

People always ask us if they should stay or go in a relationship. I'm just going to make this fast and clear for everyone so they have an understanding of what we've learned over the last 20 years in relationships and how we've advised people at the Centre.

Basically you have to look at your relationship and see if there's a mutual filling of needs. That's basically what a relationship is. Most people that come into our office or that break up have love and attraction for one another. But that's not what's causing the breakup. The breakup is because they're not getting along, there are power struggles, and they're not getting what they want in the way they want it.

Now, there are many reasons why that is. The big reason, the first big reason is you're not compatible. You may love each other, you may be attracted to one another, you may have some things in common, you may be friends, you may be having all sorts of good experiences in your life, but there are so many things on a day-to-day basis that you're fighting about, having power struggles about, it's because you're not compatible.

I was with Lucy, and I wasn't compatible with her. I loved her, I was attracted to her, but we had different visions and values. We had different rules. We had different styles on things. We were at different life transition points. At one point I wanted a baby and she didn't. So, you know, these are major things. When you come across incompatibilities where these differences are deal breakers and can't be resolved or compromised, then you should go. Plain and simple.

The other area that we seem to find is an issue with people in deciding to stay or go, is if there's someone who's very dysfunctional.

If they're very toxic, their behaviors are so toxic that they're putting their life in jeopardy, they're putting your relationship in jeopardy, they're putting your peace of mind in jeopardy, or all three. Examples are cheaters, or those who are angry, abusive, violent, those with criminal behavior, and those who are invalidating.

I was quite toxic in my first relationship. I treated my girlfriend very badly. People get emotional abuse in relationships and after awhile they don’t want to take it anymore when they realize that it's ongoing.

Other People are shut down, they're unavailable. It's because of a trauma in previous relationships or in their present one.

In some relationships partners have toxicities that are very painful and destructive to the person, to the relationship and to their life sometimes. People's lives are threatened in some difficult, abusive situations.

In other situations people are experiencing a very extreme that could be embarrassing and/or not socially acceptable. Others or yourself could be involved in criminal activity, and/or you could be doing things that affect your livelihood negatively and/or find out that your job is threatened. A lot of people turn a blind eye to these kind of things get themselves in some pretty bad jackpots.

The other level of dysfunction is deficiency. Deficiency means a “lack,” something you want but are not getting.

If you want connection, communication, support and validation, your partner may not have the skill to support you in that area.

Some people just don't have the level of knowledge of how to support someone and/or have mastery of communication skills.

They may be in a different communication mode than you. They may have differences in other areas that render them unable to give you what you want. Some people just don't have the capability or the ability to give you what you want in the way that you want it.

This can be in communication as well as many other areas that are important to the smooth functioning of a relationship.

For example, if you're with a highly visual person, and you're digital, you're going to feel very empty. It's not that they won't give you what you want, they just may not be able to.

Some people, in fact, want to give you want you want, but they just don't have the ability. Some people have the ability to give you what you want, and they won't. In this case, they are not motivated even though in the past they may have once been motivated.

Either way, in any of these above scenarios you're not getting what you want in the way you want it.

In terms of toxicities that we just talked about, some people may be giving you a lot of things that you don't want. Again, in all these situations, I would leave. Now, that's me. And that's why I'm talking about this. Some people blur their mind around these things. It's pretty straightforward; if someone doesn't want to give you what you want, well, hey, why are you there?

You think love is going to conquer all? No, it's not. You can dream on if you want.

If someone, let's say, wants to give you what you want, but they're not able to, well, it's still the same situation.

You either accept it or you move on. And if it's something that's real important to you, you're going to be pretty empty. Why bother? There's so much abundance out there. Our philosophy is that there is an abundant Universe and you can have what you want in the way you want it. Why waste a lot of your time?

The other area in deciding to stay or go, is if someone's available or not. I mean, maybe someone is functional, maybe they're compatible, but they're not available.

What availability means is that they are there to give you what you want. Many things and situations make people unavailable to you.

If someone really says they love you, and you and they are attracted to each other, but they are unavailable to you in some way, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET YOUR NEEDS MET.

They're married, they're socially unavailable, they live on the other side of the world. Say you're in England or the United States and they're in Australia, well, hey, you know, unless one is willing to move, it doesn't matter if they're perfect in every other way, they're not available.

Let's say someone is sexually not available, they can't function sexually. That's a deficiency. That's not going to work out.

If they're emotionally unavailable, shut down, well, great, they may have it all in all other areas, but your emotional needs won't be met. Well, do you want to live with that? It's your decision. Will they get therapy to open up? Well, do you want to wait the 10 years? And then most therapists aren't successful with these people unless they are motivated to open up again. It's basically their decision to open up emotionally again.

I was emotionally shut down for a large part of my life, and until I decided to open up and learn to open up, I was shut down because I was hurt when I was younger. So all these things are important. Physically, sexually, emotionally, geographically, socially, are they available or not? You have to answer these questions.

Now, if you have someone who's unavailable, who's not functional, who has deficiencies and toxicities and who's not compatible, who are you kidding? Leave. Get out. How did they say that in that movie?

MELODY: Get out.

ROBBY: Get out of the house. Leave. You know, get your parachute and go. So anyway, this is pretty brutal, but, hey, I thought we'd give you the 411, FYI. Melody's laughing. Do you have any comments, Melody?

MELODY: No, no.

ROBBY: No, no. She's going, "Oh, great." She's going, "No, I didn't write that Love by Design. No, no, no, no, that's not me. I don't know Rob. I don't know Dr. Rob." That's great.

Well, you know, Melody and I have both spent our share in relationships that didn't work.

You know Melody, your partner was unavailable in some ways, and he wasn't functional in some ways, and you guys weren't compatible in many ways.

The same when I was with Lucy and some of the others partners I had that you at who can read about in my books, especially if you read by True Love on Demand book.

That gives the inside stories of my lousy relationships, and some of the audios that accompany that give more of the juicy details of why they didn't work. You'll see all sorts of examples of that. We also have a series here in Love by Design that tunes you in to why things aren't happening. These are very real things.

I was a hopeless romantic. I was you, you guys and gals who are listening to this and going thru difficult times.

I thought "love conquered all," "there ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep me away from you," because we had love. And when I had love and attraction for someone, I had to have a relationship with them, no matter how silly it was.

I mean, in fact, I chased a socially unavailable, married women for three years. Come on, it costs me hundreds of thousands of dollars and put me into severe sickness, destroyed my career and lost me a ton of money. Did love conquer all there? No.

I tried in that relationship as well as many others to “try to keep it together at all costs.” Again that’s another silly romantic notion that keeps you stuck and unhappy in unfulfilling relationships with people WHO DON’T WANT YOU ANYMORE!!!

I loved Lucy, but I spent seven years trying to repair that relationships. I studied counselling techniques and relationship techniques, and studied with the top experts. That was at the beginning of my getting into doing this type of work. I thought the techniques would make it work.

It's not techniques, ladies and gentlemen, THAT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND. IT’S THE PRINCIPLES.

And the PART OF THE PRINCIPLE YOU NEED TO BE AWARE OF IS THAT you need someone who's functional, available and compatible – FAC: Functional, available and compatible.

As Joe Friday said in Dragnet, "Just the FACTS, ma'am."

So that's the 411. And it may be a little brutal, but it's only a problem if you buy into the paradigm that there's a scarce world and that there isn't an abundance of people for you in an ideal relationship.

With your egoic mind, your programming from society, culture, education and church, you're not going to understand that the Universe is abundant. It doesn't matter if there's only one or two soul mates in the whole world, if you're clear on what you want, on what's functional, available and compatible for you, you'll draw it in, no matter where they are in the world. Come on! And more than likely, they're in your city.

We sometimes don't understand the concepts of population here. If you live in a city of 500,000 or 1,000,000 people, there is going to be someone who's compatible, functional and available that you're totally in to and who's totally in to you. Your soul mate's going to be in that population stream or pool, and if it isn't, you'll draw it in, even from elsewhere. And I know that.

So if you want to learn more about that, read True Love on Demand at www.trueloveondemand.com.

If you have any questions, you can e-mail me at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca and Melody and I can hopefully help you. Are you cool with that, Mel?


ROBBY: Okay. Say goodnight to the folks.

MELODY: Goodnight, folks.

ROBBY: This is my soul mate. She's kind of shy. But she's all that I want. She's all that and a bag of chips.


ROBBY: Oh, now she wants chips. Okay.

Well, thanks. We're sort of goofy, but thanks for listening. And if you do have any questions, e-mail us.

Bye for now.

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