Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Ain’t got no respect? How to regain your partner’s respect

In our Love by Design Book, we talk about the Great Dividers of Love which are built up emotions in a relationship that cause a separation of love. These emotions are caused by the accumulation of experiences such as revenge or judgment resulting in closed, numb and frozen hearts, that make it harder and harder to love and relate with your partner whether your compatible or not.

One of the Great Dividers of Love is loss of respect. Often the person whose partner has lost the respect for has no idea that it is happening or that it has happened until the partner who is in judgment tells them. Other times the person who is being judged can just feel it oozing from the other partner.

In an ideal world, your partner would learn to love you unconditionally and release all expectations of you, and/or you would also choose to draw in a new partner who will unconditionally love you as you are.

However, if you find that there seems to be a pattern of your partners losing respect for you, this may be an opportunity to go introspective and see if maybe there is something deeper going on.

What could that be? One idea to look at is something that I discovered about myself when I began to realize that many of my partners began to lose respect for me as I went further into our relationship. I discovered that this was caused by a series of reasons aside from either not being in a highest and best relationship or just that my partners were in judgment or had expectations of me.

The following is what I discovered.

1) I had low-self esteem,
2) This low self esteem caused me to have no respect for myself.
3) Since, metaphysically, like attracts like, I would attract people into my life who doesn’t respect me either, or who would lose respect for me over time.
4) In addition, when I had low self esteem and no respect for myself, I would engage in physical actions and behaviors that would communicate to others that I have low self esteem. For example hunched shoulders, nervous giggling, up speaking (where my voice would go up and instead of down when saying certain words or at the end of sentences, avoiding eye contact, fidgeting or with other people I know they may bite their lip a lot. For the most part, there are two ways people react to that kind of behavior. There are those who feel bad for you and try to be kind and try to take care of you which could lead to care giving on their part, hence I would become disempowered, or the other group of people who would just judge my actions and think I was a big loser.

So therefore one of the first things that I would recommend is to become aware of your own self esteem level and see how it is effecting your own self respect as well as how you may unconsciously be both drawing other people in who don’t respect you as well as sending out messages to others by physical behaviors that people will pick up on.

A starting point for me was a handout that I read that showed signs that you have low self esteem and the types of behaviors that you may have because of it.

The following is the Barksdale Self-esteem Evaluation:

This self-esteem Evaluation measures your current level of Self-Esteem, your Self-Esteem Index (SEI) and serves as a gauge of your progress in achieving sound Self-Esteem. It is important to clearly understand all statements and be completely honest in your scoring if you are to obtain a valid SEI. It is essential that you answer these statements according to how you actually FEEL or BEHAVE, instead of how you THINK you “should” feel or behave.

Score as follows (each scores shows how true OR the amount of time you believe that statement is true for YOU):

0=not at all true for me
1=somewhat true OR true only part of the time
2=fairly true OR true about half of the time
3=mainly true OR true most of the time
4=true all the time


___ 1. I don’t feel anyone else is better than I am.
__ 2. I am free of shame, blame or guilt.
___ 3. I am a happy, carefree person.
___ 4. I have no need to prove I am as good or better than others.
___ 5. I do not have a strong need for people’s attention and approval.
___ 6. Losing does not upset me or make me feel “less than” others.
___ 7. I feel warm and friendly toward myself.
___ 8. I do not feel others are better than I am because they can do things
better, have more money, or are more popular.
___ 9. I am at ease with strangers and make friends easily.
___ 10. I speak up for my own ideas, likes and dislikes.
___ 11. I am not hurt by other’s opinions or attitudes.
___ 12. I do not need praise to feel good about myself.
___ 13. I feel good about others’ good luck and winning.
___ 14. I do not find fault with my family, friends or others.
___ 15. I do not feel I must always please others.
___ 16. I am open and honest and not afraid of letting people see my real self.
___ 17. I am friendly, thoughtful and generous towards others.
___ 18. I do not blame others for my problems and mistakes.
___ 19. I enjoy being alone with myself.
___ 20. I accept compliments and gifts without feeling ashamed or “less than”
___ 22. I feel no need to defend what I think, say or do.
___ 23. I do not need others to agree with me or tell me I’m right.
___ 24. I do not brag about myself, what I have done, or what my family has or
___ 25. I do not feel “put down” when criticized by my friends or others.

______ YOUR SELF-ESTEEM INDEX (sum of all scores)

TO FIND YOUR SELF-ESTEEM INDEX (SEI), simply add scores of all Self-Esteem Statements. The possible range of your Self-Esteem is from 0 to 100. Sound Self-Esteem is indicated by an SEI of 95 or more. Experience shows that any score under 90 is a disadvantage, a scores of 75 or less is a serious handicap, and an SEI of 50 or less indicates a really crippling lack of Self-Esteem.

After completing the test, I found that my new understanding about me was freeing and uplifting for several reasons:

1) I could see why I did many of the things I did based upon my level of self-esteem. There wasn’t something permanently wrong with me; it was just about how I thought about myself based upon my level of self-esteem.
2) I could let myself off the hook, I was just not consciously aware of the reasons why I thought the way I did and behaved the way I did.
3) I could see why I had no self respect for myself since I was in constant judgment of myself and in fear of being in judgment of others.
4) I could see how my thoughts and behaviors would cause other people to lose respect for me.

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