Sunday, October 21, 2007


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There are a number of things that can cause a solid marriage to crumble.

One minute you’re eating pot roast gathered around the dinner table; the next you’re watching your spouse pack up the family vehicle and you’re torn between despair, anger, and a broken heart.

Your mind may be racing through the past few years, remembering when you first got together, to the last discussion you had.

Is it possible to go back and change things? No. You can’t change the past, no matter how many years you’ve been together—but you can start fixing things between the two of you.

Sit. Relax. Talk.

In order to fix your marriage, you need to get on even ground again. Right now you may be feeling as though things are extremely lumpy between the two of you, so you need to even out the playing field.

Schedule a time when the two of you can sit and talk. If it’s possible, get to neutral territory. One of my closest friend told me that when her husband and herself were having a huge fight, they called a babysitter to come watch their children and took off.

They didn’t talk about anything in the car, but instead drove to a beautiful river about 15 minutes from their house. They sat by the river and talked about what was going on in their marriage, and about how they could fix it.

Being by the river relaxed my friend, and being out of their home relaxed her husband. It was the perfect spot for them to talk about our problems. Seriously, when you are out in the nature close to the trees and waters, your moods change - for the better!

There are a few rules you have to both agree upon before you have a discussion.

1. No yelling. Yelling is not conducive to solving your problem. It does nothing but anger your spouse and cause negative emotions to escalate, so avoid it at all costs.

2. Stick to the issues. Don’t drag things in from years ago that have already been settled. If your spouse cheated on you 10 years ago, but you’ve forgiven them and they haven’t touched another person since, don’t drag that into the battle. Leave the past alone and work on the present and the future.

3. Time yourselves. Some people tend to be so passionate that they don’t let their partner get a word in edgewise. Bring an egg timer along and give yourself a specific amount of time to talk.
If you are able to follow these rules, you can have a discussion and get down to what is really making the foundation of the marriage crack.


Once you’ve figured out what the problem is, you need to forgive it. It may sound a bit strange, but you need to forgive the relationship for not being perfect.

After all, the relationship is made by the people in it, and nobody’s perfect, which means that no relationship will be perfect. Understand and forgive that.

Once you’ve gotten everything out, you should either be on the same page, or agreeing to disagree, which is fine as well. The whole point of talking is to be able to focus on the problem and get rid of it, or learn to deal with it.


Once your marriage is a little less shaky, it’s time to build the supports back up. When is the last time you greeted your spouse at the door with a long hug and kiss when they arrived home from work?

If your spouse comes home after you, greet them at the door. Offer a huge hug and a relaxing kiss so that they can truly transition from being at work to being at home.

When’s the last time you danced together? Dancing is an excellent way to get your bodies used to each other again. Sway to some music in the middle of your living room, or do the jitter bug in your kitchen! Enjoying each other is a wonderful way to keep things fresh and healthy between the two of you.


You do not want sex to be the most important thing in your relationship, but it needs to factor in at some point. Sex releases endorphins, which elevates your mood. It’s a way for the two of you to connect that you can share with no one else, and is both stimulating and comforting.

Sometimes we get so busy we forget to spend time together in bed; so schedule time!
Make it a date! For example, every Wednesday night you can shut things down early and meet each other in the middle of your bed.

When you learn to talk openly and spend plenty of time touching, enjoying each other, and making love, your relationship has nowhere to go but up.

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~ Cucan Pemo
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